Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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