Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
