do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
