you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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