fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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