She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
