U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
