at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize