fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
