her vagina looked like bernie madoff
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
