my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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