I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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