When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
we're making bets on your personal life
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize