reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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