how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
