I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
