i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize