Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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