I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize