I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
