I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
