OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Come on in and take your pants off
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