I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
