remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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