I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
