is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
