Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize