i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
