Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize