Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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