I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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