someone owes me an orgasm
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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