I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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