She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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