you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
