help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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