sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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