watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
