my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
