Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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