She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
It's official drugs can't kill me
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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