Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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