Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
