Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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