I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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