Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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