my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
