oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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