I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
