just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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