Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
