What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize