Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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