i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
