this beer tastes like vomit already
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
