I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
