my phone needs a breathalizer
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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