Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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