every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
