I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Why can't burritos get me drunk
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
