Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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