Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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