just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I made him laugh his dick is mine
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
