I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
