if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
