I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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