Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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