And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
